lately i feel like being who i am right now is not really being the real me
trying verryy hard to be in the same level as the people surrounding me
i feel like im forcing myself constantly to be where they are right now. Their manner, their way of thinking, their goals, and their way of enjoying life. As a matter of fact, i dont even know what i want anymore. People inject me with all these dreams that they can see through me, but they really dont realize that they Do Not give me even a tiny little space to breathe, grab the chance, and think about it, and evenmore approve them.
Seems to me like, i dont live the life that normal kids my age lives. which sometimes can be a flattering and grateful thing and sometimes it just sucks. i spose it seems to turns out sucks everytime i feel like i CAN'T handle the pressure anymore. My faith VS my dreams, My friends VS my culture, My lifestyle and environment VS my family, and least, My responsibility VS my age.
i dont intend this to be an act of trying to get out od my responsibilty and winging all bout it, no.
i just want it all out. because seriously none of the people that are close to me are considering it seriously. Forget about the time they could spare to refresh me, THEY DON'T EVEN ASK..
my parents? yes.. they are an excellent parents, they have money to support me (praise God), they have their plans for my future or should i better call it my LIFE? either way.. they've planned it all, wayyy before i was born. which is SUPER, just like any other ASIAN parents would do. But really, since the day i went in to Kindergarten, up until now that i'm in uni doing MUSIC (EXCELLENT!!) they have never ONCE ask me if i'm happy with it, or at least feels comfortable doing what it is that they tell me to do. Well thanks to them i grew up and still am growing up as a tough broad. You can throw and bang my head on the wall while i'm trying to reach my goal, but hopefully i WILL stand still. unless you literally bang my head.
i wonder if there will come the time for me to say "Finally... it's finish"
haha.. i imagine how Jesus felt when He said "It Is FINISH" it must've been a HUGE relieve....
the journey that i'm going through right now is not that pleasing.. most likely i will fail my subjects this semester, and hope i will not have to hear anything that has the word MUSIC or JAZZ in it anymore... hahah
i think thats because i just realize that the motivation that i have since the start of uni is not enough. My motivation to graduate from WAAPA was to prove myself that i can do it. but apparently that ain't enough... funny.. people were like.. "you just need to focus and try harder... well here's a tale..
"welcome to WAAPA... let me give you a quick tour around the WAAPA life, you see those names you see on the offices' doors? yes they are the people that will pin your bones to the floor, and crush all your talent until you have enough of it you dont even want to use it anymore... All the best, i'm late to class.. have a good day..."
LOL
well, i'm done for today... there's still piles and piles of cases in my head, but i figure i'm actually wasting my time writing this stupid blog while i'm suppose to be "studying" for my "impossible to pass" exams...
no seriously i think blogs are stupid... journals, whatever you wanna call it... but then again, it might just be my "temporary comment" considering i'm not in a very good mood tonight obviously.
ciao
